Guys, with careful planning, a food stain or six can still give you that couture look
EDITORS NOTE: Our normal Sunday fashion columnist is unavailable this week. Something about a tire iron and her mechanic at the Mercedes dealership. She will return to this space next week, assuming she makes bail, with exclusive coverage of the Chester County Jail fashion show.
By Mike McGann, UnfortunateGuestFashionColumnist, UnionvilleTimes.com
You know what I hate? I’m in Wal-Mart, looking for refills for my paintball gun (you’d be surprised how useful they are at school board meetings, especially when other reporters try to comment during the public comment portion of the meeting) and I see a guy in a Dallas Cowboys jersey and jeans, both covered in nacho cheese stains.
Yuck.
Is that really necessary? Now, sure, there are those (mostly on Facebook) who might suggest that Cowboys’ QB Tony Romo is kinda yeller, especially in big games, but I’m thinking that just makes the wrong kind of fashion statement. Clearly, Nacho cheese stains are always better worn with jerseys that better compliment the colors, say Washington Redskins, Green Bay Packers or if you must, that old Brett Favre Vikings jersey.
It really doesn’t take that much work for the smart, fashion-conscious guy to properly coordinate his food choices with his sports team jerseys.
Meatball parm hoagie? Wear that Chase Utley batting practice jersey. Tortilla chips and guacamole? Break out that early-90s Randall Cunningham jersey — skip the Midnight Green (and those of you who spent your share of nights out with the boys until 3 a.m., know exactly what that color looks like) Donovan McNabb jersey, as the color doesn’t work and you’ve probably torn holes in it, making it more suitable for a romantic night with the missus, anyway. Eating an entire box of Lucky Charms for breakfast? You can’t go wrong with a 1977 Houston Astros jersey, plus with the little colorful marshmallows stuck to your shirt, you have the perfect on-the-go snack.
Now, eventually, (after between three and forty wearings, complete with food stains or, as we like to say, edible accessorizing) you’ll be thinking about trying to clean those jerseys.
Let me suggest one word: gasoline. As we guys all know, gasoline cleans anything, from clothing, to children, to pets or even your home. And if it doesn’t, just one match and your stains are permanently gone. This second step is not recommended for use on pets or offspring ever; or even your home, unless you really need the insurance money. Just check the laundering tags: as long as they don’t specifically say “don’t ever, ever, ever soak or wash in gasoline” and you’re good to go. Don’t worry about the tags with just two “ever, evers” on them; everyone knows it’s not serious until there’s three “evers.”
And again, that’s only after getting three to 70 “pre-wears” out of your jerseys. Sure, your spouse might look at you like you’re an escaped mental patient, but isn’t she the one who’s always complaining about having to do laundry? Good rule of thumb: if you can only identify your sports jersey by smell or “crunchiness” factor, and you’re unsure whether its a 1985 L.A. Lakers Kareem jersey or your prized Edmonton Oilers Gretzky jersey, it might be time for a bit of sprucing up. Otherwise, take pride in being “green” and don’t worry much about the green fuzzy stuff growing on it.
Now, obviously, those jerseys and jeans are for “dressy” occasions, such as taking the missus out for a slice and some boxed chianti; the rest of the time, well, the rules are obvious. If it’s above 30, you wear stretchy shorts and either a team-logo t-shirt, or that smooth-as-silk Dokken 1987 Tour shift you think you got in Bakersfield. Below 30, of course, you wear sweats and a hoodie and you’re good for anything from hanging out with P Diddy to a chat with Queen Elizabeth II.
Socks, of course, are optional. But if you do wear them, keep them below the ankle. In terms of cleanliness: the rule of thumb is if the sock doesn’t crack apart when you try to put it on, it’s wearable. As always, matching socks are overrated.
And finally…
April Fools.
Kelly is not in jail (please don’t sue!), nor should any of the above advice be taken seriously, although my 10-year-old would swear by each and every last word of it. Please enjoy the rest of your day and be careful what you read today.
Kelly really will return next week with a column that very likely won’t involve fashion at the Chester County Prison. But you never know.
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