Turning up the heat: what not to wear

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With summer-like heat coming, don’t lose your head or fashion sense

By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, UnionvilleTimes.com

The rumor is the thermometer will hit the mid-80’s today and a few days this week!  Yipppeeeee!

I am more than ready to ditch my heavy jacket and leave my boots permanently in the closet!

The initial tease of summer brings radiant sunshine, brilliant blue skies and glorious temperatures; BUT, there is a dark side to the celebration…

THE DREADED “TOO MUCH TOO SOON” FASHION EXPOSURE PROBLEM!

Let’s prevent it this year, OK?

Here are my tips: (I’m really digging the list making thing…have you noticed?)

  • Capri pants are NEVER OK.  NEVER.  Well, let me re-phrase.  If you are 5 years and under, capri away!  HOWEVER, for the rest of us, it means a big, fat NO.

The acceptable exception to the capri is the CROP pant (hits close to the ankle).  VERY different.  How?  Think of your knee-cap to mid-shin as the danger zone.  Pants should NOT stop at either point, otherwise, you look squat…and, last time I checked, “squat” doesn’t mean “hot.”

  • Short-shorts.  Really?  Who can take you seriously in that get-up?  NO ONE, that’s who.  Plus, if you are anything like me, you are so pale you resemble those hideous translucent fish who live in the bottom of the ocean.  And, no one wants to see that in April.
  • Bermuda Shorts = Mom jeans.  Don’t do it.  If you do not feel comfortable in a short with a five-inch inseam, your best bet is a skirt or sundress.  Bermuda shorts remind me of carpenter jeans (ewww!) Plus, you’re in Unionville, not on safari.  Get over it.
  • Ankle bracelets.  Why do women feel the need to adorn their ankles when the weather gets warm?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there is no such thing as a “classy” ankle bracelet.  For those of you out there who beg to differ, please, send me an example.
  • Too-tight white jeans.  OUCH.  This is so very, painfully unflattering.  My suggestion when it comes to white jeans is to buy them a size up and always (ALWAYS) pair them with nude undergarments.
  • Belly button piercing.  See: ankle bracelets.

Upon review, I find it amusing that most men would probably beg to differ with my list.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that if you walk down State Street in too-tight white short-shorts with an ankle bracelet and exposed belly button piercing, you’ll get a cat call (or two).

Your choice.

Happy Weekend!!

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5 Comments

  1. Kelly says:

    Paige, first…I think that your choice sounds perfect! Good choice 🙂

    Julie…the runways are filled with models that are size 00 and 6 feet tall. They can wear a garbage bag and look good. This is purely my opinion; but, if my credentials don’t impress you, do me a favor and Google what Tim Gunn (an elite fashion expert & Project Runway Judge) thinks about Capri pants. I’m sure that there are exceptions to my “rule”, but, generally I think that there are more flattering options for women.

    Joan…there are tons of adorable golf clothes!!! Very Lily 🙂

    Kelly Fan…I wish I knew…

  2. Joan says:

    Can there be an exception to the Bermuda shorts rule on the golf course…and for we senior citizens? Please!

  3. Julie says:

    I beg to differ about the capri pants. If they are such a “no-no” then why would ALL of the high-end stores (ie. Chico’s, Black and White, Talbots, The Loft) Sell them? They have paid fashion professionals doing their homework for each season. Just last week I watched a fashion show in New York and the top designers had capri pants walking down the runway! We are all entitled to our opinion, but I’ll take my fashion advice from the pros!

  4. Paige says:

    Hold on! What’s this about bermuda shorts?! If my thigh cellulite and spider veins can’t get covered in five inches, I’m stuck in a skirt? We’re talking about a midrise, trim fit, nice material (not denim), dark color, no pleats, no extraneous pockets, nothing safari about it, ending five inches above my knee. I thought I had something good going in my summer wardrobe!

  5. Kelly Fan says:

    Kelly…what can we do about these older ladies who insist on trying to dress like teenagers in our area.. one word…YUCK!

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