Turning up the heat: what not to wear

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With summer-like heat coming, don’t lose your head or fashion sense

By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, UnionvilleTimes.com

The rumor is the thermometer will hit the mid-80’s today and a few days this week!  Yipppeeeee!

I am more than ready to ditch my heavy jacket and leave my boots permanently in the closet!

The initial tease of summer brings radiant sunshine, brilliant blue skies and glorious temperatures; BUT, there is a dark side to the celebration…

THE DREADED “TOO MUCH TOO SOON” FASHION EXPOSURE PROBLEM!

Let’s prevent it this year, OK?

Here are my tips: (I’m really digging the list making thing…have you noticed?)

  • Capri pants are NEVER OK.  NEVER.  Well, let me re-phrase.  If you are 5 years and under, capri away!  HOWEVER, for the rest of us, it means a big, fat NO.

The acceptable exception to the capri is the CROP pant (hits close to the ankle).  VERY different.  How?  Think of your knee-cap to mid-shin as the danger zone.  Pants should NOT stop at either point, otherwise, you look squat…and, last time I checked, “squat” doesn’t mean “hot.”

  • Short-shorts.  Really?  Who can take you seriously in that get-up?  NO ONE, that’s who.  Plus, if you are anything like me, you are so pale you resemble those hideous translucent fish who live in the bottom of the ocean.  And, no one wants to see that in April.
  • Bermuda Shorts = Mom jeans.  Don’t do it.  If you do not feel comfortable in a short with a five-inch inseam, your best bet is a skirt or sundress.  Bermuda shorts remind me of carpenter jeans (ewww!) Plus, you’re in Unionville, not on safari.  Get over it.
  • Ankle bracelets.  Why do women feel the need to adorn their ankles when the weather gets warm?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there is no such thing as a “classy” ankle bracelet.  For those of you out there who beg to differ, please, send me an example.
  • Too-tight white jeans.  OUCH.  This is so very, painfully unflattering.  My suggestion when it comes to white jeans is to buy them a size up and always (ALWAYS) pair them with nude undergarments.
  • Belly button piercing.  See: ankle bracelets.

Upon review, I find it amusing that most men would probably beg to differ with my list.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that if you walk down State Street in too-tight white short-shorts with an ankle bracelet and exposed belly button piercing, you’ll get a cat call (or two).

Your choice.

Happy Weekend!!

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