‘Scoping’ out my new tattoo

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Marked for life…if you have the right medical gear

By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, The Times

I have been writing my weekly article for over a year now.  And, I have discussed enough topics (fashion related and otherwise) to feel that this is almost like having a public diary.  I find very few issues “off limits.”

That being said….I had the pleasure of my second colonoscopy this week.

(In case you were wondering, I am not attaching pictures.  I do have my boundaries, thank you very much).

I will tell you, it is quite difficult to be fashionable under such circumstances.

Since I knew I would be donning the ever so flattering “open in the back, one size fits all” polyester gown (gown? really? shouldn’t it be called something else?)  I decided to focus on hair and make-up.

I opted for a sleek, flat-ironed look.  The side pony was a little too flirty and an up do seemed like I was trying too hard.

As for the cosmetics, I decided a natural eye made the most sense…curled lashes (ALWAYS) and soft green eyeliner.  Because you cannot eat for what feels like 2 weeks (and, in actuality, is approximately a little over 24 hours) cream blush was a necessity.  My coral lip-gloss provided the illusion of hydration given the fact that my pre-op instructions included a warning about not swallowing even an ounce of water while brushing my teeth.

I, unfortunately for me, had a polyp removed last year.  (oh my, I sound realllllllllly old right there) Hence the need for a repeat procedure 12 months later.  What I was unaware of (and, frankly, unprepared to hear) was that the doctor tattoos the area so it can be examined for any change.

Say what?

I do not remember consenting to having a tattoo in my proximal ascending colon.

Now, mind you, I am listening to the doctor telling me that everything is fine with my examination and all I can focus on is the stupid tattoo…

“What is it?”  I asked him.  “Because, if it is a unicorn with a rainbow in the background or a bunch of ancient Chinese symbols, you’re gonna need to get back in there and fix it.”

Needless to say, the medical staff found this conversation hilarious.

Me?  Not so much.

My street cred is ruined.  I am tatted up.  And, I didn’t even have the pleasure of being in an alcohol induced stupor to get one.  I was under anesthesia! Which sooooooooo is not the same thing.

It’s humiliating.

So, until next week’s article where I’ll discuss the best lingerie to wear for your mammogram, happy weekend!

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