Surviving March Madness

You can’t stop basketball at this time of year, you can only hope to contain it

By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, The Times

UTKellyColumn copyMarch Madness.  It is all consuming over here in the Hockenberry residence.  The testosterone swirling in the air is almost palpable.  How does a girl schooled in fashion (but not so much in the rules of the game) hang in such a situation?

I’ll tell you how.

1.)   When filling out a bracket or slapping $$$ on the table in a bet, the key is CONFIDENCE.  If you act like you know what you’re talking about, that’s all that matters.  Forget basketball…that applies in every aspect of life.

2.)   Although not as prominently displayed as in football, I always suggest going with a team that has cute cheerleaders.  Torn between two teams?  Go south, they are usually just better.  Period.

3.)   Pick the underdog.  In March Madness, upsets seem to prevail.  (I have Duke winning, so, I obviously did not take my own advice) Plus, I think rooting for the 14th seed over the 3rd brings good karma overall.

4.)   I am not a huge fan of women dressing in sports paraphernalia.  It’s a little too “Hooters girl” for my taste.  Besides, those team t-shirts are usually ill fitting and too boxy to be flattering.  And, NEVER, EVER take that manly t-shirt and tie it into a half-shirt.  No, no, no.

5.)   If you are struggling for something to yell during the game, try these gems:

•“He broke his ankles!” – means that the defender went back and forth so hard, he risked turning an ankle
•“He got posterized!” – means you got dunked on and will be the guy featured in the poster looking up
•“AND 1!” – means a basket PLUS a free throw for a foul on the play (this is a good thing)
•“He took a train”- means a travel/walk
•“Let it fly from downtown!”- means shoot the 3 pointer

6.)   Distract men with snacks.  The saltier and more calorie-laden the better.  While this is not the most feminist thing I have ever written, the truth is, it works.

7.)   And lastly, if all else fails, there is always online shopping on your phone.  You can just claim to be researching stats.

There you have it!  Who needs “Basketball for Dummies” when you have me?

Happy Weekend!

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