The only thing that spoils the shore: the boardwalk

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Why they must ruin a perfectly good beach with these wooden monstrosities is beyond me

By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, The Times

UTKellyRev2ColumnThe beach is one of my very favorite places to relax. I am perfectly content with my chair, some sunscreen and a good book. My children love the ocean and are (relatively) self-sufficient now that they are older. I really prefer to park the car and not get in it again until the weekend is over….there’s just one glitch in my plan…

THE BOARDWALK.

I know that I will catch a lot of grief for this one, but, I HATE it. Thankfully, my children have been trained to ask to go maybe twice a summer.

I suffered through it this past week. Here are my complaints:

  • It’s crowded (not a fan of walking 2 miles an hour behind a large group in matching t-shirts)
  • The sea gulls drive me nuts. The only thing worse = people who FEED the sea gulls and think it’s cute. Makes me want to scream.
  • The fashion is atrocious. How tiny can short-shorts be? You’ll find out on the boardwalk. And, dare I say it….the smallest shorts tend to house the largest cheeks. Gross, I know. But, don’t blame me! I’m not wearing them.
  • Sweat pants with words on the backside. Why is this trend continuing? WHY?
  • You pay ridiculous amounts of money for freak show items like wax hand molds (????) and hermit crabs (plus cage, rocks, castle, food, extra shells. UGH.) FYI, neither of these things happened on my watch.
  • Don’t even get me started on the food. You can disagree, but, when Mack left that pizza is not worth that line. And, what is the deal with chocolate covered BACON? It’s no wonder we are the fattest people on the planet.
  • The cursing. I heard A LOT of it. And, not just from surly teenagers. Now, I can talk trash with the best of them but it is out of control, people. Clean it up.
  • Runners. Especially guys who like to run without a top on down the center of the boardwalk at 7pm. Yeah, we see you buddy. Not impressed.

Well, enough of my miserable groaning. Plop me back on the sand with a cold Diet Coke and I am instantly transformed into a nice person. (It’s the salt air. Miraculous stuff)

Happy Weekend! Get out and enjoy the sunshine!

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