Winning the gold for fashion

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The Olympics are exciting, the fashion choices often not so much

By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, The Times

I am not particularly athletic.

If I had to describe my physical prowess, I would qualify myself as “sporty” (Spice.  Ha!)  (Sorry for the 90’s reference…had to do it.)

I like to sweat and I enjoy a good 60-minute (max) workout (in an air-conditioned facility).

And, I am fiercely competitive.

For example, if you have ever taken my aerobics class at the Y and you are younger than me, I will try my very hardest to make sure that your thighs suffer irreparable damage.  As in: squats, lunges and wall-sits that make sitting down excruciatingly painful the next day.  Unfortunately for me, this personality flaw has resulted in quite a few chronic injuries.

(Enough about my ailments…)

Being a competitive person, naturally, I am drawn to the Olympic Games.

The skill level and dedication of these athletes is unparalleled.  It is amazing to watch!

The beauty of their athleticism ALMOST makes you forget how ugly their uniforms are.

Almost.

Singlets to sprint in?

Really?

I mean, WHO looks good in a singlet?  I don’t care if you have zero body fat.  No one should be forced to wear that thing.  It’s humiliating.

And, I understand that it would be difficult for female gymnasts to perform on the parallel bars with long flowing hair…but, what is up with the runty little pony tails and tons of barrettes?

The glittery eye shadow business does not make me happy, either. But, I understand that when you practice tumbling 14 hours a day and stunt your biological transformation into womanhood, you need to grasp hold of something feminine.

The swimmers get the short end of the stick, in my opinion.  Although, I must commend the fact that those hideous neck to ankle suits seem to be history.  Remember them?  Yikes.

I suppose that adding some padding to the top portion of a bathing suit somewhat disrupts the aerodynamics of the whole thing….but, it would help things considerably.

It’s bad enough to have to wear a swim cap (horrifying) and goggles (dreadful).

And, I sincerely hope that these women competitors have the presence of mind to get a pedicure before jetting off to London.  Harry may be in the audience, for heaven’s sake.  You don’t want to end up meeting a Prince with gnarly toenails!

Ralph Lauren designed the Opening Ceremony outfits (as well as the Closing) for the American athletes.  Who else BUT Ralph to drape these superstars in the red, white and blue of our flag?  It makes me misty just thinking about it!

I suppose my preoccupation with how fashionable I look when I am participating in a sport-like activity has held me back from becoming an excellent athlete.

Who knows how far I could have excelled in the pool if I had found the ultimate water proof mascara?!

I suppose the world will never know.

Unless, they come up with a runway competition in 2016….then, GAME ON.

(Except, I’ll be “Dara Torres old” and be eliminated for a younger, more toned girl half my age…)

Happy Weekend!

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