Why you can do better than sex on the first date

Waiting for physical intimacy could mean a better, lasting relationship

By Nancy Plummer, Columnist, The Times

NancyPlummerLogoHey, Ladies…let’s get something straight. I’m not here to talk about morality. I’m here to advise you about being smart in relationships. The latest research shows that 33% of women have sex on the first online dating encounter. What are these women thinking?!

If you have any desire to have a solid, committed relationship, I suggest you not be one of those 33%. I find it sad when women try to convince me they think it’s smart to sleep with a guy on the first date. Let me give you the straight talk you need to secure the relationship you deserve.

First, research shows that men who have sex on the first date actually experience reduced attraction to a woman. So, if you have any desire to see your date again, or if you want him to appreciate you, you’ll need to give him more of a chase. As the saying goes, “Men are hunters; women are gatherers.” A man wants the excitement of a chase. I use the analogy of men going for a hunt and seeing a carcass in front of them. That’s not satisfying, and neither is you just jumping into bed the first night. It might be great for the first hour, but research – and experience – shows that the feeling doesn’t last…at least not for him.

Second, research also shows no correlation to couples who had early sexual relations staying together longer. Thus, if he tries to tell you, or you believe, that it’s better to find out right away if you have sexual chemistry, think again. What has been proven is that the longer married couples waited to have sex, the higher their marital satisfaction. For centuries, women have been reminding their daughters, nieces, and sisters who want to get married, but want, or are feeling pressured, to have sex, of the old adage, “Why would men buy the cow, if he can get the milk for free?” We all know what this means, so why are women still ignoring this age-old wisdom? For years, I’ve been advising my female clients to wait to have sex until at least 30 dates or you both consent to being in a committed relationship (think promise ring). I even have some clients who have waited until marriage, and as archaic as this might sound, their marriages seem ultimately stronger, and every time, their sex life is awesome.

Third, sex is not the same for women as it is for men. For men, having sex is more a physical act, while for most women having sex is more of an emotional and chemical-triggering process, one that helps us women bond, fall in love, and get a baby. In fact, women can feel this biological effect even after one sexual encounter. Men, however, tend to not actually fall in love through sex. They really don’t. Oh, sure, it helps, but many men can have casual sex and keep it just that way – casual. They get into a committed relationship because they want to. It is a decision. He is making a clear choice about whether he likes what you bring to the table, as a woman, a wife, and a mother. At this point, a man is testing you; by your not having sex, he will be view you as trustworthy and that you aren’t going to cheat with a colleague, his best friend, or the first guy who gives you attention down the road.

A solid relationship starts with common interests,values, mutual attraction, respect, and goals. If a man doesn’t want to get married, he won’t. It doesn’t matter how much sex or how good the sex. So, instead of having sex on the first dating encounter, why not try another approach? Start asking some fun, albeit important, questions. Ask questions about his family background, his education, his short and long term goals, his likes and dislikes. Your reason for a date is to establish if there’s a mutual attraction that goes beyond sexual enticement. Have different, adventurous dates such as biking, kayaking, hiking, concerts, and anything else on your bucket list. The more you get to know each other on a personal, spiritual level, the deeper your connection will be, and thus the sex will be even better. Moreover, the more he values you as a best friend, the smoother your relationship will stay through all the bumps that life has to offer.

Nancy Plummer is the President and Founder of All About Connecting – a Personal Dating, Matchmaker and Relationship Coaching service. www.allaboutconnecting.com

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