Getting even isn’t as satisfying as figuring out what you want from life and making it happen
By Nancy Plummer, Columnist, The Times
After divorce, separation, or an especially nasty breakup we’ve all had those moments where we start taking the lyrics to Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” a little too seriously. But will keying their car, burning their clothes, or smashing the expensive watch you bought them for your anniversary really help?
As much as we might want a different response, we all know the answer is a resounding no. It might make you feel better in the moment, but it’s like eating a pint of ice cream when you’re upset, you’ll only feel even worse after.
So instead of constantly fantasizing about clever ways to destroy your ex’s prized possessions or newfound happiness, redirect your attention to yourself.
The best revenge is to create a better life.
And best of all, it isn’t as difficult as you might think. What is difficult is stopping the endless negativity that’s only fostered every time you fantasize about a revenge plot, or ask yourself what you did wrong and what could you have done differently. But if you’re able to realign your focus on yourself and your future, then creating a better life is really as easy as 1-2-3!
It all begins with believing that you can. As Henry Ford once marveled, “If you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right.” The next step is to dream BIG, bigger than you are thinking now. You need to dream bigger than just being able to pay the bills, or meeting someone new who loves you, or having two adorable children, a white picket fence, and a dog that doesn’t shed. I ask my clients to dream BIG all the time. You need to believe that you’re ready for change, that you deserve change, and that you’re going to create the life of which you’ve only dreamt.
So many of my clients have learned how to dream big and have achieved their dream. One is now a chief executive in Hong Kong and lives on the beach with their family, another is a nurse who married a doctor and now travels around the world caring for children, some are women who have lost over 50 pounds and found the love of their life, while others have gotten married for the first time and are making more money than they ever thought they would.
Ask yourself some important questions such as: where do you want to live? Are you living where your ex’s work and family are, while your dear family and friends are 3,000 miles away? Do you want to keep your job or do you now need to get one? Do you love your career or is there a way to turn your passion into your profession? Would you like children or would you like more children in your next chapter?
Then figure out how you’re going to accomplish your goals. What steps can you take today to help accomplish your goal, and what steps will you need to take in order to achieve your dreams.
A big dream needs to be written down to ensure it is well-thought-out and is taken seriously. In fact, Harvard studies have shown that those who write about their goals and struggles every day for ten minutes or more are three-times more likely to accomplish their goals. Taking the time to figure out what your new life will look like and how you plan to get there will help you begin your transition.
Step three is to prioritize. My clients inevitably ask me, “I believe I can create a better life, I have written down a draft version of the new life I see for myself, but there are so many things I want, how do I get started?”
So I reply with a counter question: “What’s the one thing you’d like to see change in your life right now?”
Invariably, I get answers ranging from “I want to lose 20 pounds,” to “I need to get a job to pay my bills,” to “I want to make sure my kids make it through this transition well,” to “I need to sell my house.” So that’s where we begin.
We put an extraordinary amount of intention, effort and time into achieving that first goal. No surprise, refocusing their energy in a productive and self-focused manner helps them forget about petty forms of revenge, begin putting their past relationships behind them, and instead allows them another step closer to achieving the most satisfying revenge of all – creating a better life.
Nancy Plummer is the President and Founder of All About Connecting – a Personal Dating, Matchmaker and Relationship Coaching service. www.allaboutconnecting.com
