Celebrity Fashion Lessons

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Or, why shaving your head and not wearing underwear might be a faux pas

By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, UnionvilleTimes.com

I will admit that anytime I am caught waiting in a grocery store line, I pick up a gossip magazine. I love to thumb through the pages to see what the celebs are wearing. With unlimited amounts of cash and access to the top fashion designers in the world, one would think that fabulousness would come easy. Alas, it just goes to show that you can’t “buy” style…

Let’s discuss some of my favorite celebrity “DON’TS.”

Brittney Spears: Wearing undergarments is always a good idea. Particularly when donning a mini skirt and exiting a vehicle. Lesson number one.

Shaving your head in anger just makes you look angry. Look at Sinead O’Connor.

Lesson number two.

Kim Kardashian: Who would have ever thought that having a large backside could result in millions of dollars? Had I know that was an option, I would be in a completely different tax bracket. But, she is a perfect example of dressing to your strengths! Embrace your curves!

Although, getting “butt implants” at a local Holiday Inn by someone who is not a physician is a bad idea.

Donald Trump: I get that the hideous comb-over is now his trademark, but, really? How does he look in the mirror every day at that mess?

Men, listen up…if you are balding EVERYONE CAN SEE IT. Cut your remaining hair really short. I promise you that it is better than holding on to those last few strands.

Kei$ha: Even typing her name looks trashy! She is NOT a role model for young girls, safe to say.

I found it amusing that her “look” was a popular Halloween costume. How would one differentiate THAT outfit from the one labeled “Street Walker” in the Adults Only section? Hmmmmm.

Jesse James: The perfect example of what too many tattoos looks like.

Lady Gaga: Her fashion frightens me. Is she an amazingly talented singer? Absolutely. Is that a good reason to wear sirloin as dress? Ummmm, nope.

Ricky Martin: Proof that even a hot, Latin gay singer should not wear tinfoil pants in public.

Madonna: This one makes me sad. She has started down the slippery slope toward looking like the “Joker.” Why, Madonna? Your body alone defies your age! Why did you have to mess with your face? Disappointing.

Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen: Dressing like bag ladies when you have ka-zillions of dollars is annoying to those of us who would like to spend your ka-zillion dollars on pretty clothes. That is all.

David Arquette: If you want people to believe that you are sober, dressing like Pee Wee Herman does not help your cause.
And last, but certainly NOT least….

Tiger Woods: I’d like to suggest the addition of some suspenders to his khaki pants. The probability of them falling down would decrease dramatically thereby reducing the likelihood that he will lose his shirt all over again. Ba dum dum. I’m here all week, folks! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

Bad celebrity fashion is rampant. And, thank goodness! It serves as a reminder that they are mere mortals who make mistakes and struggle with the same issues as we do.

Thankfully, we don’t have the paparazzi documenting every bad angle!

Have a fantastic week!

WANTED: Photographer to click and capture Unionville/Kennett residents for a “What Not to Wear” weekly column. Very lucrative salary and perks galore.

JUST KIDDING 😉

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