My terrible secret: The Bachelor

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Yes, it’s bad. But there are important life lessons, here, right?

By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, The Times

UTKellyRev2ColumnI have a secret.

And, it’s bad.  Really, really bad.

I watch “The Bachelor.”

I KNOW!  I KNOW!  Stop judging!  It is just SO DARN ENTERTAINING.  But, there are also lessons to be learned, ladies….so, pull up a chair for my assessment of this train-wreck of a show:

Kelly1Meet “Juan Pablo”.  That is not his first and last name…just his first, but, like “Madonna”, his last name is irrelevant.

He is (allegedly) a Venezuelan soccer star.  No idea if this is true and who really cares?  His eyes are dangerously close together (untrustworthy?) but his accent is intriguing and he has good hair, for sure.

If you have never had the privilege of seeing an episode, a gaggle of poorly clothed women throw themselves (9 times out of 10 in a drunken stupor) at one man in the hopes of an ENORMOUS engagement ring  and a proposal of marriage after about 6 weeks of laying eyes on this guy.

The women live commune-style in an ABC brothel (I mean mansion) and wait for word on when “The Bachelor” would like to take them on a date.

The “lucky” girls get “one on one” time with Juan Pablo.  In last week’s episode, JP took Clare to a spa night featuring a hot tub surrounded by fake snow (they film in LA).  Naturally, Clare has to be in a bikini on national TV, which I am sure will not horrify her grandchildren someday.  As if things could not get more “fairy tale-ish” (the phrase fairy tale is used no less than 100 times an episode), some dude from the X Factor pops out of the (fake) snowy forest to serenade them.  Please watch because it is just too much for words…

Kelly2

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At this point, I am usually screaming at the TV about how this is NOT reality and that you have “never been on such a great date before” because YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR NETWORK PAY FOR YOUR DATE BEFORE!  And, it will NEVER happen again.

Why am I watching???

The really crazy part is that these girls on the “one-on-one’s” must PACK THEIR SUITCASE before leaving on the date in case he does NOT offer them a rose, in which case they are booted immediately from the show.

Ummmmm, excuse me?  Yes, you heard that right.

As if that concept wasn’t enough to blow your mind, I present to you the “group date” where Juan Pablo gets to take 13 girls (at once) for a polygamous soiree of his choosing.  In this episode, it was the opportunity to have a photo shoot (sounds glamorous & fun) where the women were to dress up like dogs to promote dog adoption via  “Best Friends Animal Society”  (slightly not so fun).

You can’t make this stuff up.

Kelly3 My favorite part of the show, however, is the rose ceremony at the end of the hour.  The women dress in their tiniest sequin pageant dresses and spray waaaaaaaay too much hairspray and self-tanner on themselves.  Juan Pablo breezes in, announces one girl at a time (which is drawn out so long, you can see sweat forming on the upper lips of these women) and offers her a rose and the opportunity to stay for yet another week.  Oh, thank you, Juan Pablo! I DO accept this rose!

The women who are NOT chosen are followed by cameramen to capture their devastation.  Never mind that they have been exposed to Juan Pablo for a mere 15 minutes, they are reduced to weepy messes saying things like “I really put myself out there.”  “I bared my soul and just don’t understand why I can’t find love.”  “I felt a connection with Juan Pablo.”  “I’m afraid that I will end up alone.”

These women are in their mid-twenties for heaven’s sake.

I don’t have a good explanation for why I feel compelled Monday after Monday to turn on Channel 6.  Perhaps, it is reaffirm my belief that the best way to meet the love of your life is in a genuine situation…not a contrived or phony one…

Do YOU watch?  Leave your comments below.

Happy Weekend!

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Tags: dating, guilty pleasures, reality TV, red rose, sequins, The Bachelor
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2 Responses

  1. hilarious

  2. i have never seen these sho’. after your write up i feel i know PLENTY about it. match maker millionaire club is way more entertaining. it is the direct instruction from the match maker that is fascinating. just sayin’

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