{"id":8036,"date":"2012-04-01T06:00:40","date_gmt":"2012-04-01T10:00:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/?p=8036"},"modified":"2012-03-30T12:39:26","modified_gmt":"2012-03-30T16:39:26","slug":"you-are-wearing-what-you-eat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/?p=8036","title":{"rendered":"You are (wearing) what you eat"},"content":{"rendered":"

Guys, with careful planning, a food stain or six can still give you that couture look<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

EDITORS NOTE:<\/strong> Our normal Sunday fashion columnist is unavailable this week. Something about a tire iron and her mechanic at the Mercedes dealership. She will return to this space next week, assuming she makes bail, with exclusive coverage of the Chester County Jail fashion show.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

By Mike McGann<\/strong>, UnfortunateGuestFashionColumnist, UnionvilleTimes.com<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>You know what I hate? I\u2019m in Wal-Mart, looking for refills for my paintball gun (you\u2019d be surprised how useful they are at school board meetings, especially when other reporters try to comment during the public comment portion of the meeting) and I see a guy in a Dallas Cowboys jersey and jeans, both covered in nacho cheese stains.<\/p>\n

Yuck.<\/p>\n

Is that really necessary? Now, sure, there are those (mostly on Facebook) who might suggest that Cowboys\u2019 QB Tony Romo is kinda yeller, especially in big games, but I\u2019m thinking that just makes the wrong kind of fashion statement. Clearly, Nacho cheese stains are always better worn with jerseys that better compliment the colors, say Washington Redskins, Green Bay Packers or if you must, that old Brett Favre Vikings jersey.<\/p>\n

It really doesn’t take that much work for the smart, fashion-conscious guy to properly coordinate his food choices with his sports team jerseys.<\/p>\n

Meatball parm hoagie? Wear that Chase Utley batting practice jersey.\u00a0 Tortilla chips and guacamole? Break out that early-90s Randall Cunningham jersey \u2014 skip the Midnight Green (and those of you who spent your share of nights out with the boys until 3 a.m., know exactly<\/em> what that color looks like) Donovan McNabb jersey, as the color doesn\u2019t work and you\u2019ve probably torn holes in it, making it more suitable for a romantic night with the missus, anyway. Eating an entire box of Lucky Charms for breakfast? You can\u2019t go wrong with a 1977 Houston Astros jersey, plus with the little colorful marshmallows stuck to your shirt, you have the perfect on-the-go snack.<\/p>\n

Now, eventually, (after between three and forty wearings, complete with food stains or, as we like to say, edible accessorizing) you\u2019ll be thinking about trying to clean those jerseys.<\/p>\n

Let me suggest one word: gasoline. As we guys all know, gasoline cleans anything, from clothing, to children, to pets or even your home. And if it doesn\u2019t, just one match and your stains are permanently gone. This second step is not recommended for use on pets or offspring ever; or even your home, unless you really need the insurance money. Just check the laundering tags: as long as they don\u2019t specifically say \u201cdon\u2019t ever, ever, ever soak or wash in gasoline\u201d and you\u2019re good to go.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry about the tags with just two \u201cever, evers\u201d on them; everyone knows it\u2019s not serious until there\u2019s three \u201cevers.\u201d<\/p>\n

And again, that\u2019s only after getting three to 70 \u201cpre-wears\u201d out of your jerseys. Sure, your spouse might look at you like you\u2019re an escaped mental patient, but isn\u2019t she the one who\u2019s always complaining about having to do laundry? Good rule of thumb: if you can only identify your sports jersey by smell or \u201ccrunchiness\u201d factor, and you\u2019re unsure whether its a 1985 L.A. Lakers Kareem jersey or your prized Edmonton Oilers Gretzky jersey, it might be time for a bit of sprucing up. Otherwise, take pride in being \u201cgreen\u201d and don\u2019t worry much about the green fuzzy stuff growing on it.<\/p>\n

Now, obviously, those jerseys and jeans are for \u201cdressy\u201d occasions, such as taking the missus out for a slice and some boxed chianti; the rest of the time, well, the rules are obvious. If it\u2019s above 30, you wear stretchy shorts and either a team-logo t-shirt, or that smooth-as-silk Dokken 1987 Tour shift you think you got in Bakersfield. Below 30, of course, you wear sweats and a hoodie and you\u2019re good for anything from hanging out with P Diddy to a chat with Queen Elizabeth II.<\/p>\n

Socks, of course, are optional. But if you do wear them, keep them below the ankle. In terms of cleanliness: the rule of thumb is if the sock doesn\u2019t crack apart when you try to put it on, it\u2019s wearable. As always, matching socks are overrated.<\/p>\n

And finally\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April Fools.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Kelly is not in jail (please don\u2019t sue!), nor should any of the above advice be taken seriously, although my 10-year-old would swear by each and every last word of it. Please enjoy the rest of your day and be careful what you read today.<\/p>\n

Kelly really will return next week with a column that very likely won\u2019t involve fashion at the Chester County Prison. But you never know.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Guys, with careful planning, a food stain or six can still give you that couture look EDITORS NOTE: Our normal Sunday fashion columnist is unavailable this week. Something about a tire iron and her mechanic at the Mercedes dealership. She will return to this space next week, assuming she makes bail, with exclusive coverage of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8040,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[245,7],"tags":[1078,1079,1082,1080,255,1081,1083,1084],"class_list":["post-8036","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-featured","tag-april-fools","tag-brett-favre","tag-cowboys","tag-donovan-mcnabb","tag-fashion","tag-kareem","tag-packers","tag-redskins"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8036","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8036"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8036\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/8040"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8036"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8036"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8036"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}