{"id":11542,"date":"2012-09-16T06:00:42","date_gmt":"2012-09-16T10:00:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/?p=11542"},"modified":"2012-09-15T11:52:08","modified_gmt":"2012-09-15T15:52:08","slug":"scoping-out-my-new-tattoo","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/?p=11542","title":{"rendered":"‘Scoping’ out my new tattoo"},"content":{"rendered":"

Marked for life…if you have the right medical gear<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

By Kelly Hockenberry<\/strong>, Columnist, The Times<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>I have been writing my weekly article for over a year now.\u00a0 And, I have discussed enough topics (fashion related and otherwise) to feel that this is almost like having a public diary.\u00a0 I find very few issues \u201coff limits.\u201d<\/p>\n

That being said\u2026.I had the pleasure of my second colonoscopy this week.<\/p>\n

(In case you were wondering, I am not attaching pictures.\u00a0 I do have my boundaries, thank you very much).<\/p>\n

I will tell you, it is quite difficult to be fashionable under such circumstances.<\/p>\n

Since I knew I would be donning the ever so flattering \u201copen in the back, one size fits all\u201d polyester gown (gown? really? shouldn\u2019t it be called something else?)\u00a0 I decided to focus on hair and make-up.<\/p>\n

I opted for a sleek, flat-ironed look.\u00a0 The side pony was a little too flirty and an up do seemed like I was trying too hard.<\/p>\n

As for the cosmetics, I decided a natural eye made the most sense\u2026curled lashes (ALWAYS) and soft green eyeliner.\u00a0 Because you cannot eat for what feels like 2 weeks (and, in actuality, is approximately a little over 24 hours) cream blush was a necessity.\u00a0 My coral lip-gloss provided the illusion of hydration given the fact that my pre-op instructions included a warning about not swallowing even an ounce of water while brushing my teeth.<\/p>\n

I, unfortunately for me, had a polyp removed last year.\u00a0 (oh my, I sound realllllllllly old right there) Hence the need for a repeat procedure 12 months later.\u00a0 What I was unaware of (and, frankly, unprepared to hear) was that the doctor tattoos the area so it can be examined for any change.<\/p>\n

Say what?<\/p>\n

I do not remember consenting to having a tattoo in my proximal ascending colon.<\/p>\n

Now, mind you, I am listening to the doctor telling me that everything is fine with my examination and all I can focus on is the stupid tattoo\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d\u00a0 I asked him.\u00a0 \u201cBecause, if it is a unicorn with a rainbow in the background or a bunch of ancient Chinese symbols, you\u2019re gonna need to get back in there and fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Needless to say, the medical staff found this conversation hilarious.<\/p>\n

Me?\u00a0 Not so much.<\/p>\n

My street cred is ruined.\u00a0 I am tatted up.\u00a0 And, I didn\u2019t even have the pleasure of being in an alcohol induced stupor to get one.\u00a0 I was under anesthesia! Which sooooooooo is not the same thing.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s humiliating.<\/p>\n

So, until next week\u2019s article where I\u2019ll discuss the best lingerie to wear for your mammogram, happy weekend!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Marked for life…if you have the right medical gear By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, The Times I have been writing my weekly article for over a year now.\u00a0 And, I have discussed enough topics (fashion related and otherwise) to feel that this is almost like having a public diary.\u00a0 I find very few issues \u201coff limits.\u201d […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":11544,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[245,7],"tags":[1917,255,1919,1918],"class_list":["post-11542","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-featured","tag-colonoscopy","tag-fashion","tag-hospital-gown","tag-tattoo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11542","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11542"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11542\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/11544"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11542"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11542"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.unionvilletimes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11542"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}