Column: an ode to 2011

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The year that was in verse, for better or worse

By P.J. D’Annunzio, Staff Writer, UnionvilleTimes.com

One year and several pounds ago you were sitting somewhere with your friends eagerly anticipating the arrival of midnight. You remembered that ushering in the New Year is a time of renewal: reshaping of the mind, body, and spirit in a monumental effort to improve yourself or your world in some way. So out of your chair you sprung, giddy on champagne announcing that this year will truly be better than the last. I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to recycle, and I’m going to stop intentionally running over squirrels, you said.

But it was to no avail. There’s an inherent problem with resolutions: they goals we set for ourselves via resolution are usually unattainable. That’s why I don’t make them. You see, if I had time to waste on broken promises, I’d be running for president in 2012.

And so, while dusting off the treadmill you probably missed some of the more noteworthy things that happened this year. But fear not chubby citizen, P.J. is here to lay it all out for you so that you’ll always remember 2011, Year of the Fail.

Though I do not claim to be a poet by any means, I believe the mediocrity of 2011 deserves an equally mediocre tribute. So here it is. I present to you…the ode.

An Ode to 2011 

Manhattan, the ball dropped, thousands were there

So cold there was frost in Seacrest’s hair

So blew in the epic blizzard

Twenty-eleven, born as we quivered

 

America stood a nation in debt

While China demanded we pay the rent

Obama had to make some budget cuts

The government closed no ifs, ands, or buts

 

In the Middle East angry passions did stir

From Egypt to Libya, it was all a blur

They all rose up for the Arab Spring

Blood and regime change among other things

 

Packers beat Steelers but nobody cares

All the Eagles fans deserted their chairs

But later the Phils vied for the World Series

Though it seems that victory was only a theory

 

Oh Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

They died from fiscal heart attacks

So did Borders declare bankruptcy

Chains closed down from sea to sea

 

We all made a fuss over William and Kate

But have you seen the new divorce rate?

Kim Kardashian was married for a month

Before she gave the axe to old Kris Humph

 

At home, stocks continued to crash

While in Europe they had problems finding cash

Tsunami, earthquakes, nukes in Japan

Osama gets capped in Pakistan

 

Bad guys were falling left and right

Kim Jong Il and Qaddafi, the dust they did bite

On Wall Street the ninety-niners occupied

While Over Iran our drones fell from the sky

 

We watched Casey Anthony beat the wrap

We all have something to say about that

But there was one man still left grinning

It was Charlie Sheen with all of his winning

 

Then to cancer we lost Steve Jobs

In the stores, for iPhones, people still mob

Jerry Sandusky shamed Penn State

With his behavior beyond inappropriate

 

The presidential race intensified

For the GOP nom, the Republicans vied

Against Obama are Newt and Mitt

But politicians are so full of hot air

 

Ready for a new year, surely are we

Into this new future I still cannot see

For better or worse ‘eleven is through

As for twenty-twelve, I ain’t scared of you

 

Have a happy and safe New Year, kids. According to the Mayans this will be our last, so party like it’s 1999…or 2012. If you need me I’ll be drinking beer on the roof, watching flaming meteors slam into things.

Rock on.

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